Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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