no one should ever give us hovercrafts
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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