here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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