I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
