I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
