I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
