It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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