I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
