I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
