I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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