I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
