This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
