While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
