Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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