every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Of course I have a pirate flag
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
