i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
