one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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