Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
