awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Randomize
