WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
