I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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