The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
