So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
