I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
