apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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