you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
