she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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