Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
