just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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