I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
