I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize