yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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