can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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