My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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