I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
