I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
