Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
