Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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