she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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