There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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