Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
