i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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