do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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