i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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