I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
