Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
