I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
