Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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