JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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