i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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