I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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