Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
