Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
