grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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