She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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